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Yesterday I kinda just wrote on here(my personal notes app), and it was actually nice to just write like I do in my journal but on a keyboard so I could write faster.

Before, I think I was putting the pressure of whatever I write here to be a blog post, and anything that wasn’t public ready, was a failed writing. I think that if I treat this place like my journal, then maybe I’ll actually write something that I like or get some small fragment of a piece that could turn into a blog post with some editing. You never know. I just need to keep writing, monkey on a keyboard type thing. Plus writing just feels good. Stream of consciousness feels good. Writing like all you can write has to be profound or public worthy is painful and makes you feel like you have nothing of value or to say at all.

Right now I’m at The Gallery. I just got a drip coffee, and I’m sitting on the couch with my laptop. Normally I feel like when I go out into the world, I have to keep moving to stay out of people’s way, and if I want to stop I have to spend money. This time, I still spent money to stop, and I still moved like my past was at my back, pushing me forward, and it kinda was, but I’ve managed to stop, and not feel guilty, or stressed, or like everything is all wrong. Plus the drip coffee was pretty cheap. I know businesses need customers to buy to stay in business, and you can’t stay here forever, but I think my purchase of a coffee at a coffee shop and sitting in the provided siting area at said shop is valid. I tipped, I bought, I need to stop worrying about this sort of stuff. I need to be employed before I start worrying about this sort of stuff.

As I write this I feel more and more like there is good stuff in here, and I could just post, it, and there would be a certain liberation in just posting something unpolished, or not something that just struck me like a prophetic verse. Just my thoughts, and where they go. I would feel like I was wasting the time of anyone who actually read it, or I would be taking away from my other work by posting something that I don’t fully stand on, or have worked extensively on. Yet I think having your thoughts documented, and shared is valuable, especially for someone like me, who is constantly trying to ground myself in something so that I don’t feel like I’m hiding all the time.

I hide a lot. Every time I come out of hiding and I experience the world without completely trying to avoid it all, I love it, and I can’t get enough of it. It feels so good to get out there, especially because most of the time, it works out, when you never could have predicted that it would in theory. I suppose it’s a reminder that our worldviews are truly models. Everything that we experience is a sedimented or constructed existence, and the true ambiguity of the world cannot possibly be contained in our human minds.

I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo for a while, a bit over a year now. The tattoo I’ve been thinking about getting is Wittgenstein’s drawing of the duck-rabbit (I don’t have wifi now, but if I do remember, I’ll add a photo). The duck-rabbit is a reminder of ambiguity; it’s a creature that exists in contradiction, but yet it exists, I see it, I can name it, the concept of it is a view in itself, but you could also see it as just a rabbit, or just a duck.

When I wanted to add the photo of the duck-rabbit, I remembered that I didn’t have wifi, and that this is a problem I’ve already ran into as I was writing and tried to go on Instagram or something, but the lack of network foiled my attempts at distraction. Anyway I might get a tattoo, but I’m afraid of not actually wanting it, and only wanting it because a lot of people have them. I do think they’re cool, but I worry that I’m not pulled enough to them. I think this is just me overthinking. I wasn’t overly pulled to getting my ears pierced, I only wanted them a bit more than the tattoo, possibly because I knew that they are reversible. Now that I have them done, I love them, and feel amazing, maybe I just need to take the plunge on the tattoo, idk.

I’m happy to be off the network, and just able to write. I did think though about my dreams of what technology could be. The more I’ve learned about how technology works, the more the infrastructure appears to be flawed and just built to be bad. It’s not all bad. Many great ideas exist in open source, but so much of how we view the possibilities of what technology can be is stunted by the frameworks that exist, mostly owned by corporations. With the Wi-Fi example, at first I was thinking about how the form factors of computers are limited in so many ways, like I feel as though the experience should be more fluid, but then again perhaps we should have hard lines between existing in cyber-space and space-space, but then my other problem there is with privatization of the network. With systems like meshtastic or other node to node networks, you really should never be without a signal in a populated city or a busy coffee shop like I am right now, but then there is also the problem of internet access being owned by isp(s)

Anyway I don’t want to get into all of that, apparently I have a bit to write about today. If someone would have asked me what was on my mind or what I was thinking about, I would have been at a loss. I really need to get better at unmasking, and just letting loose. Sure there are benefits to masking, but I don’t think it’s worth it, and as someone who struggles to unmask to not only my closest friends and girlfriend, but also myself, I would rather not mask at all. That does bring up the question though, what does unmasking completely, look like? Since the world is ambiguous, and our worldview is only an interpretation of the world, am I just the mask. I do and don’t think so. To a degree I think yeah, but technically anything could be true, technically humans are just chemical meat bags, but I don’t live by that in my daily life, or think of myself as such. This also brings up how everything is just translation and communication of concepts; chemical meat bags is just a description, viewing humans through a given lens. I think I’d be happy with the unmask-ed me being the me that says what I think, not holding back or getting too in my head, kinda like how I’m writing here. I’m still thinking and evaluating, but existing shouldn’t mean expressing everything perfectly because once it’s done it defines everything. Obviously some things have more consequences than others, but I should be able to exist, try, change my mind, grow, change, continue, yet it feels like everything has to be final.

This drip coffee is pretty good. I’ve been getting into coffee a bit more recently. I even drank it black for a week and it was pretty good, I think I do prefer a bit of oat milk and sugar though. I’ve tried experimenting with specialty drinks using Nespresso shots from my machine, I’ve tried French press (which broke after like 3 uses, but it was good while it lasted), and pour over. Recently my favourite way has been pour over. I like the process of pour over, it feels like you’re doing something to make it, it’s more interesting and feels more crafter than pressing a button, while not being overly complicated.

Also something that I just want to write about because I never have anyone to talk about this to, is my homelab. I got an old Lenovo ThinkCentre M83 from my last job, along with a receipt printer, and the process of turning it into my personal server has both changed how I see computers, and taken up tons of my time. I understand why people say it’s addicting, if anyone wants to know more, I am happy to talk to them about it. This notes app, I’m writing one is actually hosted on my server and when I get home and connect to Wi-Fi it will automatically sync up. Maybe I should bring that to the IT Alliance (I just joined the PEI IT Alliance). I had no idea what I could possibly bring there since I haven’t been working on any projects for the past two weeks or so, but I suppose I could think of something to do on the homelab. Actually now that I think about it I could continue/ fix MP3Wrapped. I’ve been meaning to fix my MP3Wrapped script and move it all to my homelab so that I can download music to lidarr, and when I plug in my MP3 player it would move all new music to the player and pull the latest playback log, then at the end of the month it would run the script, and push through git to my website.

I’ve been here for a while and I’m now feeling that I may be overstaying my welcome with my little medium drip coffee. You see the things that plague my thoughts. I’ve brought that up like three times now.

I should like write a poem or something about something silly to just post for fun.

I might post this.

I’m thinking too much about posting; maybe.